Years ago, I was famous for missed deadlines. I would concoct elaborate stories about why my assignments were not done. I was amused this week when the book reports were due. I watched little me's come one by one with their elaborate stories. Somewhere along the line, I ran into a professor who refused late work. He felt it was unfair to the students who managed their time and assignments. I failed his class, twice. But the third time I took him I learned how to manage my time and assignments. I took his class three times. I needed to learn; he was the one to teach me.
Yesterday, my report cards and comments were turned in at the start of the day. What a great feeling! I remember the anxiety and unbelievable stress associated with missing deadlines. I used to feed off of it. But no longer. The "rewards" from those behaviors I no longer need.
Seeing this growth helps me to know that I will overcome my weight struggle. I will achieve my goal. I will live my life at a manageable weight. It is a journey and I am in the process. I don't know when I will achieve the goal. I only know that I will. Along the way, there have been people who have taught me. Currently, Stephanie and my WW cohort are my teachers. I am learning a lot about my resistance to what I perceive as control and how that hinders me.
Early in my relationship with Joe, I told him don't ever come between me and food. I didn't mean don't step between me and a sandwich. I meant don't try to tell me how to lose weight, or make judgements or statements about what I am eating. I see now it was a really hostile statement. I was saying, "I know what I'm doing, you can't help me, don't try." I need to become more teachable. Because it's not a question of knowing what I'm doing. It's a question of wanting to do what ever the hell I want! And I wrapped it all up in the package of my eating disorder. I do have an eating disorder, but that doesn't mean that someone who spends so much time with me can't comment. Can't care. Can't say when they see me diving into food, "Hey, what's going on?" This may seem like a small thing, but in fact, it's huge.
I would look at Joe and people like him who seemingly don't have a distorted relationship with food, as people who can not understand me. Who don't get it. But really it's a case of trying to protect my disease. Trying to get away with behaviors that are hurting me. Joe, or my mom, or anyone who tries to help is doing just that-trying to help. They see my distress, are aware of my goals, and try to intercede. Stephanie, my WW leader, offers counsel and advice. She does so because it works. Joe may have a freakish metabolism, but he also doesn't have a weird relationship with food. Does that mean he can't help me? No! He can, because he has a healthy relationship with food. He relates rightly to food as fuel and nutrition. Why wouldn't I want to hear his suggestions? Why do I want to tune Stephanie out? My mom?
I don't have to do this alone. What I've been doing hasn't been successful for the long term. I need to let other people help me. Big stuff for a little island like myself!
